Paragon City (AP) - The Whatchootalkinbout Willis Projects in King's Row are sad symbols of urban decay, smack
dab in the middle of streets nicknamed for their all-encompassing sense of depression, despair and disaster: Damnation Alley,
Perdition Alley, Kirstie Alley......the neighborhood embodies all of this. It was a harsh enough life when ordinary muggers,
junkies and gangbangers ran these mean streets, but in recent years the proliferation of supervillains and supervillain teams
such as THE FREAKSHOW, THE OEDIPUS WRECKS, and THE GENEVIL CONVENTION have created a hellish nightmare
for the residents here. The supervillain's presence opened up a Pandora's Box, when superhero teams such as PRISM,
THE KARATEENS, THE JUSTICE FORCE, TEAM 1, and THE SOMINEX-MEN came to battle these earthly
menaces, not to mention otherworldly menaces such as THE RIKTI, THE ILLEGAL ALIENS, MARTIANMARTIANMARTIAN! and
Anne Heche. The super-powered imbroglios waged here have truly turned these low-income denizens lives into
a bad Image comic book.
Longtime resident Sharifa Nottingham sums it up thusly, "Lord, it's hard on folks 'round here. The fighting goes on day
and night. THE CANADIAN SHIELD chased Adam Bomb in here, and he blowed the place up.
Then The Blank Czech and Betty Larceny came in and robbed everbody. Then THE
GRIZZLY MADAMS came in and took all our beer, and asked for some stuff called "back bacon".Then Seer Guht
, Floss, and The Speechifyer tried to capture some of THE RICHARD SPECKTACLE right
here in my dining room, but the UCONNVICTS jumped in and helped 'em escape. They came in through the bathroom
window".
"It don't stop", mused Sharifa, "not ever......last night I looked out the window and see those hoochies....what do you
call 'em?......THE STRIP MINORS....hanging outside with BRITALIN, those crazy.....anyway,
they was upside up to no good, then I see that crazy-ass Boudicca, along with Dr. Gizmo, Stormy
Weathers and the rest of them AMAZONE gals come to fight 'em. I got tired, went to sleep, and six
hours later they were still going at it........destroyed Buildings 6 and 8.......kinda makes you miss the crack hoes....."
The situation does not improve that much in Paragon City's upscale residential and commercial neighborhoods. Louie Dumbrowski
has owned a coffeeshop/diner in the bustling Atlas Park area for years. He moved here from
NYC's Bowery area, bringing with him a local gang for protection. They are all missing now, allegedly at the hands
of supervillain Enron Hubbard. "Poor Satch, Slip, and the others.....I miss them.", says Dumbrowski,
wistfully. He is now a vocal supporter of the "dark hero" concept, represented in Paragon City by THE VIGILAUNTIES and
Stab Hunter (formerly of THE ASSASSINDICATE). Hunter is credited with killing 4006
members of HYDRANT, the shadowy international terrorist group who seem to possess limitless job applications.
Their motto is well-known: "Hail Hydrant, Immortal Hydrant, Cut Off One Sprinkler Head and Two More Shall Take Its Place!"
One of his customers, a "ban'leader", concurs. He says he was attacked by TRIGGERNOMETRY, and the inept
Russian heroine Katana Kournikova tried to rescue him. "She got beat up....that chick can' do nothin' right!
She never wins!" He was rescued by the intervention of the antihero Yankee Daring, who maimed several Triggernometry
members and stood around laughing about it. The customer said he wants to leave Paragon City, because his son 'L'il Ricky"
has come to believe that a building is unfinished unless it has a supervillain imbedded in the side of it. He will leave "if
Fred and Ethel le' him breaks the leases..." He added, "Somethin's wrong here....someone has some splainin' to do."
The environment created by these events is an environment that caused the periodical Better Homicides and Gardens
to proclaim Paragon City "America's #1 Spot For A Confirmed Kill". Some of the culpability belongs to Paragon City's
Chief Law Enforcement Officer Marshal Marshall Marshall. We recently caught up with him after the Paragon City Police Force
had been bitch-slapped AGAIN by a supervillain force, in this case Beau Pummel, Cruel Whip, Ms. Take and
elements of THE J.LO SHOTS. Even with the capable aid of THE JUSTICE FORCE'S Superstellar, the
PCPF was defeated. When questioned about the PCPF's strategy, Marshal Marshall was defensive. "Strategy? What Strategy? We
are NPCs with a pre-scripted AI.....what do you expect us to do?"
We went to City Hall for answers.....we didn't expect much. There have been rumors circulating that Mayor Mayer has become
quite the lame duck, especially in light of the discovery of some incriminating photos involving Mayor Mayer, Mrs. Mayer,
THE STRIP MINORS, THE HOOTERRORISTS, and Cruel Whip.
PARAGON CITY TV HIGHLIGHTS
Ch. 4 2:00 All My Superheroines (Drama)......Blonde Ambition flies into another wall, knocking herself unconscious. Meanwhile,
Chlymidia visits the doctor.......again. Insane Closet Nazi Chick: Martina Hingis (This episode is presented in HDTV: Heroes
Defeated Totally and Violently)
Ch. 11 3:00 Paragon General Hospital (Drama).......Beaten and mauled superheroes suffer in the hospital.....usually
starring The Speechifyer. Drug-Abusing Candy Striper: Macy Gray
Ch. 4 4:00 Guillotina's Dance Party! (Music)......Guillotina and the Guilloteens play all the latest music and
video hits, then randomly slaughter innocent people. Musical guest: Pink.
Ch. 2 4:00 You Bet Your Life (Game).......starring the cannibalistic, mass-murdering horse Mr. Ed Gein.
Winners receive valuable prizes.......losers get eaten alive.
Ch.4 6:00 The Rikti Evening News.......urgag gra hhn juhnv......grgre....fvbvssjisiuh.....URG!....ffdvn...URG!
(closed captioned)
Ch.5 7:00 Beat The Press (News)......Members of the Paragon City Supervillain Community beat various media representatives
into comas
Ch.7 7:00 Saturday Night Dead (Variety).....Lullabite, Fangs For The Mammaries, Don-Ho-Tep, The Frankensteinems and
the Tupperwerewolf sit around and growl at each other. Musical Guest: Rob Zombie
Ch. 9 8:00 The Golden Age Girls (Comedy).....Hilarity and Hijinks ensue when the VigilAunties randomly execute
criminals.
Ch. 2 8:00 PC Law (Dramedy).....Inept prosecutors bungle their cases, letting dangerous supervillains get away
scot-free. Dumb Paralegal: Britney Spears
Ch. 7 9:00 Wall Street Journal (Information).....The Merrill Lynch-Mob answer financial questions from a live
audience, then hang several audience members just for fun.
Ch. 4 10:00 Martial Arts World (Sport)......Katana Kournikova instructs you in the proper use of short swords,
then accidentally impales herself through the heart.
Ch. 13 11:00 Live From The Paragon City Opera House (Music)......Ma and Pa De Deux perform beautiful excerpts
from Swan Lake, then have their henchmen rob the audience.
Ch. 4 12:00 The Lost In Our Space (Reality) Hilarious Rikti abductions from the past week, hosted by Rikti Head
Of Covert Operations Paula Abdul.
