Breaking News From Paragon City....Sponsored By Receding Airlines And Kentucky Fried Rikti....Really REALLY Dark Hero Yankee Daring Slays 13 Members of THE J. LO SHOTS, Music And Movie Critics Everywhere Rejoice....Cruel Whip, SINFINITY And Members Of THE EVENING NUDES Indicted In White Slavery Trafficking Scheme....Mayor Mayer In Yet Another Sex Scandal (Yawn), The Barnyard Animals Involved Are Keeping Mum....Animal Superhero The Goat Of Arms Vows To Protect Those Exploited By The Scandal....Off-Duty Policeman Slain By THE GRIZZLY MADAMS Near The John Gotti Civic Center....Lethargic Norse God Of Evil Lowkey Is Easily Defeated By JUSTICE FORCE'S Hopekeeper....Ultra-Wimpy Superhero Group LESSTOSTERONE (A.K.A. "THE LORDS OF APPEASEMENT") Offer To Give Up And Let Supercriminals Run The City; CANADIAN SHIELD Leader Mirage Expresses Outrage At Comments; Statesman Expresses "No Comment" At Outrage....Religious Supergroups TORAHTORAHTORAH!, THE MARTIN MULLAHS, THE ESPICOPALIENS, And THE FULL COURT PRESBYTERIANS Form Coalition Group THE JOY OF SECTS....Marion Barry Says He Thinks Mayor Mayer Is Doing "A Great Job"....AMAZONE Ally The Blue Shadow Battles Superhoochie Villainess Booty Cholera Near Paragon City Free Clinic....Literate Superhero The SpellChecker Confirmed Slain, Cause Of Death: Reading The CoH Forums....Enron Hubbard Threatens To Reveal JUSTICE FORCE'S Alphawave's Secret Identity....Midwestern Sex Offender The CornStalker Terrorizes Women Of Paragon City, JUSTICE FORCE'S Superstellar And Proteus Vow To Apprehend Him....Racist Australian Supervillain Kaptain Klangaroo Chased Out Of Paragon City By Aussie Superhero The Diggery Dude With Help From AMAZONE Leader Boodikka....New Rash Of Alien Abuctions The Work Of THE SPACE CRIME CONTINUUM, Proclaims Knights Of Paragon Leader Warp 9....Inept Castillian Hero The Doormatador Back In Hospital After Attack By The SEBACEOUS SISTERS In Downtown Crackdonald's Restaurant....Enron Hubbard Retains Supervillain Law Firm PREDATORT As His Permanent Counsel....More Zombie Problems: ESPRIT DE CORPSE And Undead Rastafarian Group DEADLOCKS Attack Passersby Near Paragon City Cemetery....THE ARMORED HOTDOGS Ready To Fight Crime, Proclaims Their Latvian Leader Cobaltic....Inept Russian Superheroine Katana Kournikova Accidentally Stabs Self Through Spleen And Kidney, Botches Rescue Attempt Of Hostages Held By MASOKISS, Still Receives Several New Commercial Endorsements...GangBanging End Table Calling Himself Street Credenza Kills 3 In Drive-By....PRISM Members Battle Giant Dysfunctional Monster The BiPolar Bear....Scots SuperThief "Unlock" Lomond Robs The BonnieBonnie Bank In Paragon City....The Holy Defender Of Milk Lancelot Du Lactose Wants To Join THE KNIGHTS OF PARAGON After Leaving WEBCAMELOT....Vigilante Group MAUL SECURITY Battles Manic-Depressive Criminals GANGST Near Rudy Ray Moore Theatre....Inept Terrorist Group JIHADN'T Blows Up Several Of Its Own Members In Lair....FILET MINION Member The Mussel Man Teams Up With Members Of BICEPTUAL To Rob Paragon City Social Services Payroll, Robbery Yields "Next To Nothing" Says A Mirthful Mayor Mayer...Villainous Landlord Norman Felony Escapes Paragon City Maximum-Security Prison, Had Sworn Revenge On "Jack, Janet And Chrissy", Also Missing: Serial Killer Basket Casey....Gwenneth Paltrow Disappears: Not Kidnapped, Just So Damned Skinny No One Can See Her....Brasilian Crime Mogul "Boss" Anova Reported Hiding Out In Projects...Super-Reporter C-Spandex Declares "Media Assault" On Paragon City Villains, Especially Enron Hubbard...Illiterate Supervillain Group PUNKTUATION Reported To Be Recruiting Members In CoH Forums....German SuperPsychic Seer Guht Swears That The HOOTERRORISTS Will Be Stopped....Baz Luhrmann Revealed As The AntiChrist....Eternally Adolescent Nazi Peter Panzer Battles Superstellar Of THE JUSTICE FORCE....Adam Bomb And Sincendiary Detonate Explosive Near City Hall, Dozens Injured, Mayor Mayer Mostly Mum....Coffee-Powered Hero Javatar Battles Beau Pummel In Midtown Deli, Several Injured, Pastrami Spoiled....Tupperwerewolf Runs Amok In Paragon City Mall....THE CANADIAN SHIELD Battles The GENEVIL CONVENTION Near Harbor District....American Pyro Suspected In Paragon City Armory Explosion....Head Of The Paragon City Police Department Marshal Marshall Marshall Says His Police Force Will Eventually Defeat THE FREAKSHOW....Britney Spears Sucks....Japanese Superheroine Sue Shi To Visit Paragon City....Teenage Superheroine Pinball Teams Up With Katana Kournikova....AMAZONE Leader Boodikka Beats The Kung Fool Into A Coma, Paragon City ACLU Chapter Wants District Attorney To File Charges Against Her....Boodikka Also Denies A Snack-Cake Addiction....Shirley MacLaine Exposed As RIKTI Leader....The Statesman And Hero 1 Call For A Press Conference, Then Don't Say Anything During It....THE C.P.AGENTS Ask Mirage of THE CANADIAN SHIELD For Aid In The Fight Against THE RICHARD SPECKTACLE....Sinferno Suspected In Church Fires....Stab Hunter Slays 34 More Agents Of Hydrant....THE PIT BULLIES Kidnap City Councilwoman, Demand Large Ransom....THE KNIGHTS OF PARAGON Battle TRIGGERNOMETRY And THE CARTRIDGE FAMILY, Warp 9 And Sensai Reported Missing....Glock Amora And THE UZIFLOOZIES Break Into Paragon City Art Museum, According To Unknown Sources....TERROR FIRMA And TERROR MISU Join Forces To, Well, Terrorize People....AMAZONE members Osiris And Zealot Battle Don-Ho-Tep Near Paragon City Cemetery....Britney Spears Still Sucks....TEAM ONE Battles THE MERRIL LYNCHMOB Near The Theatre District During Performance Of "Gymkata: The Musical"....SONS OF THE SOUTH apprehend Ms. Take....New "Retro" Villains RAGE OF AQUARIUS Attempt Armored Car Robbery In Financial District....SuperVillian Patriarch Enron Hubbard Has Murder Charges Against Him Dropped, D.A. Marcia Clark Blows Another One....Highest-Rated TV Series For The Week: "Jeffrey Dahmer: The Animated Series"....JUSTICE FORCE Hero Proteus Captures Two Members Of THE J.LO SHOTS....Hyperbole And The Speechifyer Back In Hospital After Battle With Members Of POSSE GALORE, Witnesses Say Two Superheroes Were Beaten While Delivering Long-Winded Oratory And Posing Dramatically....Floss (A.K.A. The Thong Of Liberty) Injured In Brawl With Members Of THE ASSASSINDICATE....Israeli Superteam TORAH!TORAH!TORAH! Discovers Evidence Linking Enron Hubbard To MidEast Unrest....Proteus And Alphawave Of JUSTICE FORCE Battle The GUILLOTEENS Near Manuel Noriega High School....Inept Superheroine Blonde Ambition Feared Slain (Again) By THE FRANKENSTEINEMS....Golden-Age Hero The Pacemaker Resting Comfortably In Hospital After Being Attacked By THE STRIP MINORS....Supervillain Gang War: FISH 'N' CRIPS Battle THE UPPER CRUSTACEANS At Paragon City Beach While Terrified Onlookers Watch And Order Seafood....BRITALIN Responsible For Convenience Store Robberies, Says District Attorney....Too Raw LuraLura and Cruel Whip Take Over City's Red Light Businesses And Form New Villain Group SINFINITY....Betty Larceny Suspected In Diamond Heist....THE VICKY CARRTEL Attempt Robbery Of Largest Paragon City Post Office....The Blank Czech Implicated In Arms-Selling Deal, Enron, Enron Hubbard Also Accused....FANGS FOR THE MAMMARIES Rob Paragon City Blood Bank....TEAM 1 Battles THE SLAY BELLES In Midtown Restaurant....Paragon City Poll Shows Mayor Mayer Far Behind In Race....Nursery School Drug Ring Busted By Paragon City Police, Marshal Marshall Marshall Says He's "Elated"....