Are you a self-motivated individual with a strong work ethic? Are you a "go-getter"? Do you have the intestinal fortitude  to achieve your own lofty personal goals? Are you a heartless, megalomanical sociopath who doesn't possess a modicum of human decency? Well, we need YOU!!! In our quest to conquer all humanity, we somehow missed Paragon City! That's where you come in, supervillain! You'll recieve a generous salary, vacation, company stock and other great benefits if you are ready to help us take over the world. To make an appointment for an interview, call WDI-SNEY and ask for "Mr. Eisner".....We'll protect your secret identity. An Equal Opportunity Employer.

"So Who Needs AMAZONE, Anyway?" We are a female superheroine duo starting a new team in Paragon City......OK, well, we, uh, couldn't come to terms with Amazone.....anyway, they said we were "difficult", don't know why. Send resumes to: Ms. PMS and Mi-Doll, Box 345.

Are you annoying? Are you nuts? Are you rude? Do you have what it takes the ask the stupid questions, to behave as if you were raised by wolves? Are you devoid of even the most rudimentary writing skills? Do you post things on the CoH forums that make normal people cringe? Are you so far removed from reality that you are starting to believe that CoH is real? Are you on medication (but not taking it?) Do you find satisfaction in insulting people who have a differing opinion from yours (or who have done you no harm whatsoever)? Well, we have a team for YOU! Join RASH (Really Annoying SuperHeroes)! We are the team dedicated to ruining the CoH experience for EVERYBODY! We have no knowledge of social mores, our manner is feral, and we like to criticize everything and think everything absolutely SUCKS! Our lives are miserable, now let's make theirs miserable too! We'd ask you to join us at our website, but as you know websites suck, as do Role-Playing and everything else! We are RASH....and we won't go away!

Thugs! Lackeys! Punks! Bangers! Are you adept at being smacked to the ground by superheroes? Are you totally lacking in hand-eye coordination and motor skills? Are you a complete waste of space? Then we have the positions you are looking for! We are CANNON FODDER, the temp agency for all of you pathetic, non-superpowered  ne'er-do-wells. Every great supervillain needs a cadre of human shields.....be one today! Now hiring: just call 1-888-DUM-BASS today. Step Up......and get Beat Down!

Thugs! Lackeys! Punks! Bangers! Tired of getting bitch-slapped on a regular basis? Burger Thing is hiring. No, there are no supervillains and superheroes. Yes, you will still wear a stupid uniform and get abused. No, not physically. Yes, it is minimum wage, but you will not have to go to prison and worry about shower time. Apply in person (we like to laugh) at the Burger Thing on  666 Dysentery Boulevard (next to the Kentucky Fried Rikti).

Are you a Bore? Is your "super-power" the ability to create ennui? Does your very presence send others into comas? Then come join our company. We have created an online cash cow of a game that is boring as hell and devoid of creativity and we need new flatliners such as you to help us bore and annoy all of our customers beyond  reason. Just contact Sony/Verant at 1-800 EQS-UCKS and soon you'll be riding a gravy train filled with suckers......er, EQ customers.

Shhhhhh......Paragon City SuperVillains....The Freakshow is hiring.....our Illicit Drug Division has really grown in 2 subdivisions: Black Tar Heroin Sales and Crack Research and Development. 5 yrs. exp. nec. Send BTH Sales resumes to RDowneyJr@what?ANOTHERCHANCE?.com or MGray@strungoutjunkieattheGrammies.net   . Send Crack R/D resumes to WHouston@No,Bobbydidn'thitme.com and TFleury@TheentireNHLisfriggingagainstme.org. Send general resumes to RushLimbaugh@TheLiberalsDonovanMcNabbandClinton'sPenisAreAtFault.net ...............the future looks bright at Freakshow (ours, not yours).

WANTED: ITEMS

Wanted: Ben Affleck's @#$%ing head on a platter. Please send the decapitated head to JQuesada@Thisgoddamnedjobsureisharderthandrawing.com. Discretion assured.

USED: BUY/SELL

Hardly ever worn, 2 costumes, one red, one blue......rather stupid-looking. Cheap. Send email bids to CKent@DailyPlanet.com

Capes? You want 'em? We got 'em! HUGE capes, flowing styles, lots of ripples. Also selling: my integrity and my human soul. Contact : TMcFarlane@HugeFriggingEgo.com

It was always your dream......to possess the most powerful weapon in creation. Now you can, thanks to ThanosGifts! Yes, your very own Ultimate Nullifier, yours for only 99.95! But wait there's more: if you order now, we'll throw in an Infinity Gauntlet! ABSOLUTELY FREE! You can't beat that price ANYWHERE! We know it sounds unbelieveable, but when your company is run by an insane demi-god with a pathological fear of success, anything is possible. Just call 1-800-DEMIGOD......if a woman named Death answers, HANG UP! Visa, MasterCard, Amex accepted......no off-world checks please.

SELLING: Used art supplies. HUGE inventory. Getting out of the business. RLiefeld@AmericaRejoices.org

POSITIONS SOUGHT

When, in the course of superhuman events, earth-shattering occurences cause all forms of trepidation throughout the land, there can be but one hero, of such superior skill and morality that all know that he is the one.....the one called the Speechifyer, the one who is of such......dammit, ran out of ad space.....

LOST AND FOUND

LOST: My Brain. Please send any and all help to RonMarz@Sorry,HalJordan.com

LOST: All Sense Of Decency. RMurdoch@FoxNetwork.com. No, I don't want it back or anything.......I'M BRAGGING!

LOST: My Respect For Myself and My Family Name. Contact: PHilton@SkinnyRichChickWhoLooksAndActsLikeACrackWhore.net

LOST: My hand.......you know the story. Boodikka@beatingadeadhorse.com

HOUSEHOLD POSITIONS

Youthful ward and sidekick needed. Must be insured, HEAVILY insured. Send inquiries to: Bruce Wayne, Stately Wayne Manor, Gotham City, attn Alfred.

Nanny wanted to look over our Pack. No Brits need apply! Contact: The Powers, 119 LameTitles Street, NYC, NY 10021

AUCTIONS

Comic Auction At the Paragon City Convention Center. Thousands, umm.....tens of thousands.....ummm.....hundreds of thousands of VALUABLE comics from Valiant. These VALUABLE titles are....ummmm.....so VALUABLE, that......sorry, I can't do this. Please DON'T contact JShooter@WhatTheHellHappened.com

DRIVING INSTRUCTION

First Time In Paragon City! Its FAMOUS CELEBRITY DRIVING SCHOOL......special rates for superheroes and supervillains. Learn how to smash your vehicle into walls, drive your vehicle off bridges into rivers and all types of dangerous driving! You'll learn to destroy automobiles, vans, helicopters and spaceships at an alarming rate.....with celebrities as your instructors! Hollywood's worst drivers will be there right alongside you, cringing in the passenger seat: Halle Berry, Rebecca Gayheart (she's got at least one fatality to her credit already!), Matthew Broderick (TWO confirmed kills!) Kim Delaney (she'll  have you stop at every bar in Paragon City!) and many more! So what are you waiting for? Call us at 1-800-BOD-YBAG today......and you'll be experiencing the joys of vehicular homicide tomorrow!